Jamie The Obscure

I, once again, have been neglecting this blog. I just don't seem to have a whole lot to say for myself lately. I spend a majority of my time being angry at one thing and another and I highly doubt anyone wants a part of that action. So, I just keep it to myself and try to hide it as much as possible. When I get angry I tend to not be a very nice person and say things that I usually end up feeling bad for later. I try hard not to be that way, but I sometimes get the feeling that I'm being punished by the universe, though I can't think of what it is I could have done to deserve this karma. Anyway....

On the exercise front, things are moving along. I've lost a few pounds and a few inches. However, I've upped the speed on the torture machine this week and I feel as though someone has rammed burning steel rods into my shins. It's not a pleasant feeling at all. I lowered it today because I just couldn't take it. I suppose I'll have to work up to the whole jogging bit of the festivities. I've still been eating right, which is also killing me. I try to stay positive about it, but it's hard to sit and eat celery when what I really want is chocolate cake. No, no...don't think about it!

So, this weekend ought to be busy. Relay For Life is this weekend and my family participates every year in remembrance of loved ones we have lost to cancer. It's very, very important to me to be a part of this. I've lost too many people to cancer and I feel like this is my way of remembering them and honoring them. If you would like more information on Relay For Life in your area, go to Relay For Life website and get involved!

On a not so serious front, I have to tell you about the wonderful purchase I made yesterday. I don't normally buy myself things because I really can't afford non-essentials, BUT anyone who knows me knows that I have a bad addiction to gadgets and infomercial crap. I've been seeing commercials for this thing called Smooth Away hair removal system and I was so excited about it. Anyone who knows me also knows that I have a huge aversion to body hair on myself. It drives me nuts. Anyway, I really wanted this thing but didn't want to go through the hassle of trying to order it online, so I didn't order it. However, yesterday when I was at Wal-Mart (hate Wal-Mart but sometimes it is a necessary evil) I noticed that they had them, so being who I am I bought one. I brought it home, followed the instructions and WOW! I love this thing. Not only does it remove the hair, it exfoliates the skin. My legs are so freakin' smooth now I can't quit touching them lol. If you get the opportunity I would suggest investing $10 in this thing.

Last but certainly not least, I'm very happy to say that Mr. Armitage was back and better than ever in last Saturday's episode of Robin Hood. Holy crap! It was just scene after scene of hotness! There was a scene where he was sitting on a horse and he extended his hand to his sister and I seriously almost fell off of my chair (I have a thing for hands). He was absolutely beautiful and the BBC made me very happy. I hope the following picture will make you just as happy...

I've been neglecting this blog this week. I can't help it though because I really don't have much to write about. Shit has been....well, shit. Work sucks and the topper was the supervisor going around asking everyone in my department to work on the day they have off (either Monday or Friday) EXCEPT me. So, yeah, I'm feeling a bit put out at the moment. Other than that, I've been doing good on the eating right and exercising thing. I weighed myself this morning because I can't stay off the scale and I've lost 2lbs, so that's good. That's really about it for me.

On to the good stuff...the Mr. Armitage Picture of the Day...

Well, today was fairly boring. What else is new right? That's my entire problem, one day is too much like the next. I need some sort of excitement. I went to work for 8 hours, went to the grocery, came home, blaaaaaaah. One thing, I MIGHT be going back to 3rd shift (please God, please God, please God!) if I can feeeeenagle it. We'll see how it goes. Hopefully it doesn't buy me a one way ticket to the unemployment line.
Other than the boring and mundane, I started eating right and exercising again today. I can't say I'm happy about it, but I feel accomplished. I had a bowl of shredded mini wheats for breakfast, a turkey sandwich with most of the bread pulled off and a pear for lunch, and alfredo noodles and lima beans for supper (weird supper huh?). I've only drank water today. I did 30 minutes at 3mph on the treadmill (hereafter to be known as the torture machine). Like I said, I'm not happy about any of it, but I have to do something. I was doing so good and then just got completely lazy. Plus, I feel like shit everyday so it's time to start exercising again. Hopefully I'll stick with it this time. I always say I'm determined to get to my goal weight this time (140lbs), and then I always get lazy and give up, so I'm not going to say it this time. I'm going to TRY. That will have to do.
Not much else going on at the moment, so I'll leave you with the Mr. Armitage Picture of the Day...



ohhh I love it when he throws his arms out. I swear he must have the wing span of a pterodactyl. It's hot.

I had a busy weekend. Friday, not so much, but Saturday was pretty fun. I went to my sister's house and we had a cookout. After that we went to a friend of my brother-in-law's. The guy that owns the place has a mud pit out there and since that is those guys' main form of entertainment they were having a good time rolling trucks and driving through it all willy-nilly. There was a fight between these two girls, I have no idea who they were but no party is complete without a fight. After that, pretty much everyone who was out there went to my brother-in-law's brother's (confused yet?) house for food and to drink some more. After we had got there the guy that owned the house we were at earlier was hitting on me, which was nice, but weird. Since we were both drunk and he had just broken up with his girlfriend I don't think it's going to go anywhere lol. Anyway, it was a good time. Of course I woke up with a hangover today so I didn't do a whole hell of a lot. It was a good weekend for a change though.

I also painted this weekend. I tried my hand at a portrait which didn't turn out anything like I wanted it to. It's pretty bad actually. You can judge for yourself...



It's called "The Governess". I'm not particularly fond of it, but I do like her dress.

I also painted another picture which turned out much better. I'm thinking I should probably stick with the abstract style. Anyway, here it is...



It's titled "Bláthanna" which is the Irish Gaelic word for flowers. I like the way it turned out. Sort of Monetish.

I don't have much else to say tonight. I think I'm still a bit hung over to be honest, so I'll leave you with the Mr. Armitage Picture of the Day...



Love the coat Mr. Armitage!

Well, you may or may not have noticed that my blog has gotten a makeover. I searched and searched for the perfect template, and this one seemed to fit me best. It's sort of artsy-fartsy and chaotic which, if you know me, you know how fitting it is. I like it and that's what's important.

What else have I done today? Not too much to be honest. Went to the bank, went to K-Mart to get hand lotion since I was almost out and we can't be having that. I'm somewhat addicted to hand lotion. It's that whole OCD thing rearing its ugly head. Anyway, I also went to the salvage yard and bought my replacment window, which I came home and installed myself. It's a damn good thing that I'm handy. Other than that I haven't done much. Hailey is with her dad all weekend so it will be boring and quiet around here. I thought I might paint a little if I can get in the mood. Later I'm planning to eat pizza and watch either "North & South" or "Little Dorrit" again. Mr. Armitage or Mr. Macfadyum?? Decisions, decisions! Whichever I choose, it sounds like a good plan.

I don't know if I'll be back on here later so I'll post the Mr. Armitage Picture of the Day now. It's never a bad time to look at him. In all honesty, my fascination with him (it's not an obsession!)has actually prompted me to print out a pic of him and tape it to the inside of my toolbox lid at work. Like I said, there isn't a time when his face isn't a welcome sight. Without further ado...

I think I just found my new favorite website. This site has rare books, first editions, signed books, etc for sale. Wowzers! Oh Lord, why can I not be independently wealthy???? Here is some loveliness I found...


First edition, SIGNED, copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
The going price for this perfection is $75,000.
Book Description:London: Ward Lock and Co., 1891. First edition, first impression, regular issue. Presentation copy inscribed by Wilde to verso of the half title page, "Frank/ from his/ friend Oscar/ Oct 22/ ‘91.” Bound in the original gray beveled paper-covered boards with gilt lettering and butterfly designs by Charles Ricketts. Expert repairs to paper at corners and spine rebacked with matching paper. Occasional light soiling to text. Housed in a fine custom quarter gilt-stamped vellum and handmade paper-covered box. Wilde’s first and only novel, and longest work of prose, first appeared in Lippincott’s Monthly Magazine on June 20, 1890, and is considered to be Wilde’s most personal work. The novel was first published in book form in April, 1891 with new chapters, many alterations and variations. Extremely scarce inscribed and in the original boards.. Signed by Author(s). 1st Edition. Hardcover. Very Good.

43 of Shakespeare's comedies, histories, & tragedies: Fourth Folio Edition
Price:$60,000 (which I would pay without batting an eyelash if I had that kind of money. It was published in the 17th century for pity's sake!)
Description: London: H. Herringman, E. Brewster, and R. Bentley, 1685. Fourth folio edition. Beautifully bound in period style, modern paneled sheep with morocco lettering label to spine and handsomely tooled design to boards. Typical of the Shakespeare folios, many leaves are often supplied from other copies or in facsimile. Leaves A5, 2F2, 2G3.4, 2G6, 2Q3.4, and 4B3.4 appear to be supplied from another copy. Leaves A2.3, C5, D6, 2F1, 2K1, 4B1.6, 4B2.5, 4C6 and the frontispiece portrait are supplied in facsimile. The pages show some scattered minor stains and smudges, a small piece from 2O2 has been restored with the missing text penciled in. There are a few other marginal tears without loss to text, 4B3.4 frayed along top and bottom edges and rehinged. Shakespeare’s folios are exceptionally scarce, as only a few hundred copies of each printing exist. Given their rarity and influence, they are widely considered to be the most important work in the English language. Containing 43 of Shakespeare’s comedies, histories, and tragedies, the Fourth Folio was the last Shakespeare folio to be printed in the 17th century. This edition served as the foundation for the 18th century editions, including those edited by Nicholas Rowe and Alexander Pope. Generally a very clean and attractive copy of the increasingly scarce Shakespeare folio.. Hardcover. Very Good.

First edition Mansfield Park by Jane Austen
Price: $20,500 (I'm drooling)
Description: Whitehall: T. Egerton, 1814 Austen's third book, published in three volumes and bound with the half-titles. Austen began Mansfield Park in February 1811, after sending Sense & Sensibility to press, and finished it in June 1813. The original printing was small -- 1250 to 1500 copies. All three volumes in original leather with rebacked spines and original spine labels. Vol. 1, 360 pages; Vol. 2, 294 pages; Vol. 3, 354 pages + 1 pg of advertisement. Volumes 1 & 2 have volume number stamped in gilt on spine and previous, possibly original, owner's name in pen on front free endpaper. Volume 3 has no spine number and no writing. The corners of all three volumes are slightly worn. Photos available upon request. Please contact for more information.. First Edition. Leather. Very Good/No Jacket as Issued. 12mo - over 6¾" - 7¾" tall.

Second edition Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
Price: $14,500
Description: Whitehall: T. Egerton, 1813 Sense and Sensibility, Austen's first book, was originally published in October or November 1811. In the second edition, the author "introduced several alterations into the text..., and one passage containing a reference to an improper subject was omitted." (Keynes, pg 6) All three volumes in original cloth binding with leather spine labels. Spines on all three volumes are slightly sunned, heads/heels of spine and corners lightly bumped. Half-title pages are all present. Volume: fore-edges of pages 45 & 47 have a chip, not affecting text block, and several pages are discolored. Some foxing. Volume two: has dustjacket (not sure if original) and minor foxing. Vlume three: fore-edge of pages 93 & 95 have large chip, slightly affecting text blcok on page 96. Bindings of all three volumes are tight. Photographs available upon request. Please contact for more information.. Second Edition. Hard Cover. Very Good. 12mo - over 6¾" - 7¾" tall

I think I just peed a little...
Presentation Copy of Pictures From Italy by Charles Dickens
Price: $150,000
Description: 1846. A Spectacular Presentation Copy From Charles Dickens to Hans Christian AndersenOne of the Three Unaccounted For Copies of a Total of TwelveDICKENS, Charles. Pictures From Italy. The Vignette Illustrations on Wood, by Samuel Palmer. London: Published for the Author, by Bradbury & Evans, 1846.Second edition. Presentation Copy, inscribed by Dickens on the half-title in ink: "Hans Christian Anderson / From His friend and admirer / Charles Dickens / London Jul. 1847." Octavo. [8], 269, [1], [2, ads] pp. Nineteenth-century full red crushed levant morocco by F. Bedford (stamp-signed in gilt on front turn-in). Covers with gilt triple fillet border, spine decoratively tooled and lettered in gilt in compartments, board edges ruled in gilt, turn-ins decoratively tooled in gilt, top edge gilt, others uncut. A fine copy. Housed in a full dark green morocco pull-off box.A magnificent Presentation Copy linking the most famous and esteemed English novelist and the greatest author of children's literature of the last two hundred years.In June 1847 Andersen visited England for the first time. The great Dane earned triumphal social success during his summer in London as the guest of the Countess Blessington, who attracted the cream of Europe's intelligentsia to her soirees. It was at one such gathering that Andersen was introduced to Charles Dickens, whom he greatly admired.On July 30, 1847 Dickens, who reciprocated Andersen's admiration, paid a call on him at his lodgings. Andersen, however, was not present and so Dickens left him a small parcel containing twelve presentation copies of his books accompanied with a note.Of those twelve presentation copies, four were bequeathed to the Royal Library, Copenhagen, and seven were later sent to auction. Of those seven auctioned copies, only five have been accounted for: at Dickens' House, London; the Free Library in Philadelphia; a copy ultimately presented in 1956 to the Andersen Museum, Odense; the Webster Currie copy; and that at Sotheby's sale LN8412, lot 111. Only nine of the twelve copies are thus recorded. The copy under notice is one of the three "lost" copies."On his first visit to England in 1847, Hans Christian Andersen was overjoyed to make the acquaintance of 'the greatest writer of our time,' Charles Dickens. During the ten years following his return to Denmark, a friendly correspondence developed and culminated in his returning to England to spend five weeks as Dickens' guest at Gadshill. The visit was a failure and Dickens soon afterward broke off the correspondence" (Ford. George H. (Review of) Hans Andersen and Charles Dickens by Elias Bredsdorff. Nineteenth-Century Fiction, Vol 12, No. 2 [Sept. 1957], p. 166)."…whenever he got to London, he got into wild entanglements of Cabs and Sherry, and never seemed to get out of them again unti he came back here, and cut out paper into all sorts of patterns, and gathered the strangest little nosegays in the woods. His unintelligible vocabulary was marvelous" (Dickens, letter to William Jerdan, July 21, 1857).The Danish Man Who Came To Dinner was supposed to stay with Dickens and his family for only two weeks. Though a genial host, Dickens dropped hints for Andersen to end his stay; they were, apparently, too subtle. The patience of the Dickens children was strained to the limit and daughter Kate would later recall that Andersen "was a bony bore, and stayed on and on" (Storey, Gladys. Dickens and Daughter. London: 1939). Andersen thoroughly enjoyed his visit, oblivious to the effect his extended holiday was having on his hosts. After he finally left, Dickens wrote on the mirror in the guestroom: “Hans Andersen slept in this room for five weeks — which seemed to the family AGES!” Clueless, Andersen never quite understood why Dickens afterward ceased to answer his letters.Though the story may be apocryphal, it is said that "the bony bore" provided Dickens with the physical model for the obsequious Uriah Heep, the sharply limned character in David Copperfield, with, perhaps, a few of Andersen's personality traits added to the "very 'umble man."The comic quality of Andersen's social awkwardness and ineptitude provide the underlying significance of his work and the reason why his stories have endured and will remain classics. His earliest examples (Thumbelina, The Emperor's New Clothes, etc.), like those of the Brothers Grimm and Charles Perault, though quite successful and bringing him fame, were interpretations of regional folk tales. His major contribution to world literature was to come with his second collection of stories, Nye Eventyre (New Fairly Tales) which were wholly original creations. In these stories, which include The Ugly Duckling, The Nightingale, The Red Shoes, The Snow Queen, The Little Match Girl, etc., the protagonists begin as sad, awkward, lonely characters adrift in a strange, often cruel world for which they are ill-equipped but, who, by story's end have overcome their circumstances and become misfit heroes, their hopes and yearnings fulfilled. Andersen had identified a universal archetype and it was him. Even more to the point, he was amongst the first writers who might considered modern insofar as using the arc his personal life and psychological history as the basis for his characters.See: Dal, Eric, Nogle flere boger fra H.C. Andersen boghylde, in Andersenania 1992. Letters of Charles Dickens, Volume 8. Sotheby's Sale LN8412, Lot 111

They're killing me...really...
First Edition American Notes for General Circulation by Charles Dickens
Price: $70,813
Description: London: Chapman and Hall,, 1842. 2 volumes, 8vo (197 × 126 mm). Original reddish-brown cloth, decorated in blind, gilt-lettered on spine. Half-titles, advertisement leaf at front of vol. 1, 6-page advertisements at end of vol. 2. Provenance: Daniel Maclise (1806–1870), Irish painter (presentation inscription from the author); Kenyon Starling (bookplate); thence by gift to William E. Self. Spines and board edges slightly darkened, some light wear to joints, an excellent copy. First Edition, in the primary binding, first issue with verso of the contents leaf incorrectly numbered xvi. A fine association copy, inscribed by Dickens to his close friend, the painter Daniel Maclise on the half-title in volume one: Daniel Maclise From his friend Charles Dickens Eighteenth October 1842, one day prior to its official publication.

I...WANT...THESE!!
Charles Dickens' Works
Price: $35,000
Description: 1900. The “Edition des Bibliophiles” of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens—One of Twenty-Six CopiesDICKENS, Charles. Charles Dickens’s Works. Edited by Richard Garnett. Most Unusually and Elaborately Illustrated. London: Merrill & Baker, [1900].Edition des Bibliophiles. Limited to twenty-six lettered and registered copies (this copy being Letter “H,” Printed for Sadie Belle Lufkin). Thirty-two octavo volumes (8 15/16 x 6 inches; 227 x 154 mm.). Elaborately illustrated with frontispieces and plates, including photogravures, etchings, photo-etchings, from the original illustrations by Frederick Barnard, Hablot K. Browne (“Phiz”), George Cattermole, George Cruikshank, Dalziel, F.O.C. Darley, Luke Fildes, John Gilbert, Edwin Landseer, John Leech, Daniel Maclise, J. Mahoney, F.W. Pailthorpe, Robert Seymour, Stanfield, F. Stone, Marcus Stone, and others, including fifty original watercolor drawings (“Aquarelles”) by “Kyd” (Joseph Clayton Clarke) of Dickens’s characters. Descriptive tissue guards.Contemporary blue crushed levant morocco. Covers decoratively tooled in gilt in a floral design within a gilt single fillet border, spines decoratively tooled and lettered in gilt in compartments with five raised bands, gilt-dotted board edges, turn-ins decoratively tooled in gilt within an outer border of a gilt-dotted rule and two gilt fillets, red calf doublures, red watered silk liners, top edge gilt, others uncut. Partially unopened. Although the spines are uniformly faded to green and a few leaves are poorly opened, this set is in a spectacular binding.

I would seriously sell a kidney or limb for these.
First edition paperbacks Bleak House by Charles Dickens
Price: $6,000
Description: London, March 1853-September 1853: Bradbury & Evans in the original monthly parts; 20 parts bound in 19; original printed wrappers. [i-vii] viii-x, [xi] xii-xiv [xv] xvi, [1] 2-264. Illustrated with 40 plates by Phiz., having ALL the ads called for by Hatton and Cleaver, and quite scarce as such. An outstanding set, internally clean; original blue printed wrappers, with minor wear at extremities; small, professional repair to spine of part XIX/XX and a few other parts. Neat owner’s name on front wrap of several parts. Overall, a handsome set with ocassional foxing, browning or off-setting. Housed in a custom full Navy blue morocco pull-off slipcase, with chemise. Hatton & Cleaver, pp. 275-304. . First Edition. Octavo

First edition Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Price: $35,000
Description: London: Smith, Elder, & Co.. 1847. First Edition. H. Back. 8vo - over 7¾" - 9¾" tall First edition - collated with text errors of first edition including title page of Vol III printed with no comma following the publisher Elder as in the first two volumes. Three volume set, bound in full dark green wavy rippled leather. Triple ruled gilt border to boards. Five raised bands to spine, gilt rule to raised bands, titling to the second compartment, volume number and author to the third compartment, tooled floral decoration to other compartments with date embossed towards bottom of spine. Spines of all three volumes are darkened and show slight rubbing/scuffing to top and tail and to raised bands. Upper board of Vol. I is lightly scratched/marked. Corners of all three volumes are a little bumped and scuffed. Binding is uniformly tight. Top edge gilt, gilt inner dentelles and marble endpapers. Contents are clean showing no inscriptions but fore edge and margins show the usual browning with age. A number of small tears to the bottom edge have been expertly repaired in all volumes. pp 304 + 304 + 311. A delightful first edition copy of Charlotte Bronte's first and greatest work.

These volumes are beautiful...
Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Price: $96,902
Description: London: for T. Egerton,, 1813. In three volumes. By the author of “Sense and Sensibility.” 3 volumes, 12mo (172 × 103 mm). Contemporary half russia, smooth spines lettered in gilt, ruled in gilt with small rope roll, marbled boards. In modern slipcase. With half-titles. Engraved armorial bookplates (“DJW”); book label of Michael Sadleir (his sale Sotheby’s, 17 Nov. 1958, lot 12). First front joint just becoming tender, board edges a little worn, some occasional pale spotting as usual with this title, first gatherings in vols. I and III slightly sprung, an excellent set. First Edition. Although with some minor flaws as stated, this is an exceptional copy in a contemporary binding, complete with half-titles, from the library of one of the most fastidious collectors of nineteenth-century fiction. The second of her full-length novels, begun in August 1796, when Jane Austen was the same age as her heroine, and finished in August 1797, “First Impressions” was offered by her father to Thomas Cadell on 1 November 1797 as a novel in three volumes “about the length of Miss Burney's Evelina”; but Cadell declined without asking to see the manuscript. Revised in 1809–10 after the success of Sense and Sensibility, by which time the first choice of title had been used elsewhere, it became the runaway success of her lifetime editions and remains the most popular of her books.

First editon, signed, The Stand by Stephen King
Price: $4,845.10
Description: USA: Doubleday, 1990 SIGNED First Edition, First Printing of the totally UNCUT version ! Hand signed and lovingly dedicated by "Stephen King" directly to the main title page. This is The Stand. None price clipped and showing $24.95 on inner wrapper. This book is NOT a Book Club Edition. Original embossed boards with cloth spine. This book and pages are square with clean boards. This book and its intact none clipped wrapper are in excellent condition. The dustwrapper is in near mint condition. This book was purchased direct from a private collection. The Stand Uncut by Stephen King. 1st edition, 1st impression. Signed by Stephen King on the title page. Published in 1990 by Doubleday. The book is in fine condition in a near fine dustjacket. Very minor edgewear to the dustjacket which is protected in a removable brodart sleeve. The signature on this book is guaranteed authentic. Obtained direct from Mr King with full provenance. A lovely book.. Signed by Author. First Edition. Hard Cover. Fine/Fine. 12mo - over 6¾" - 7¾" tall.

Oh goodness, I could do this all night. I think I'm in love and way over my head!

Well, what a week. I've been feeling badly anyway, then the shit with the window, and the past two days at work have been just ridiculous. I'm at the point now where I'm just so pissed off I don't even want to talk about any of it. Thank god for Jen...I dump on her a lot anymore, poor girl. She's great though. She always makes me laugh and cheers me up, even if we do spend 95% of our time talking about Mr. Armitage.

Speaking of Mr. Armitage, I have to tell you how unbelievably aggravated I am that he was not in the last episode of Robin Hood, nor will he be in the next me thinks. I was so entirely disappointed. I can't not watch the episodes now because I am sucked into the story line, but it is beyond me that they would have the audacity to film even one episode without him in it. It's distressing on a level I'm not quite comfortable with to be honest. I need my Mr. Armitage fix! He is my drug and the BBC is like the sadistic drug dealer that only lets you have the goods when it's convenient for them. It's not fair.

Also on the subject of Mr. Armitage, Jen and I were discussing his perfection tonight and wondering if there is anyone else out there that might look like him. It's been said that everyone has a twin somewhere in the world, but I've decided that that would just be too much perfection in the world. If there were two of him, I swear the earth would spin off of its axis and straight into a parallel universe. I think that he is a gift from the gods to remind us plebeians that they do care and want us to be happy lol. I know all of this sounds completely insane (and probably is to a certain extent), but it's fun to joke about...though I do think he's perfect. So, on that note, here is the Mr. Armitage picture of the day! Hooray!

FYI: I read a lot. It's pretty much all I do when I have some free time. I enjoy analyzing and thinking about what I read and I tend to pick it apart. My thoughts or musings might not be intelligent, but they're just my thoughts. Onward...

SONNET 29
When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

I remember reading this long ago, back in the dark ages of the 90's when I was in high school and I suppose I didn't pay it much attention, or just wasn't in the same frame of mind I'm in right now, but Jen had posted a video link of Matthew Macfadyum (Macfadyen) reading this and it really struck home with me. I've now read it so many times I've committed it to memory (which is no easy feat for me, let me tell you). I've not decided if it weighs on me or releases some sort of pressure in me when I repeat it to myself. I can relate to the whole thing, I think I know the feelings behind it. The first eight lines I can understand on a very deep level. There are things I love to do, that I love to share with others, but I always feel as if it's not good enough. My poems, my paintings...I feel they are amature at best, but I love to write and paint. I look at other people's work and wonder why I can't do that. The reality of my art always seems to fall far short of my vision. I don't know if all artistic people carry around this sense of their work not being what they want it to be, or if it's just me, but I can relate. I'm not a jealous person; I think jealousy is a wasted emotion, but there is always a twinge when I see someone's work and know that I'll never live up to that level of greatness. It's enough to drive a person mad.
I can also relate to the last six lines of this sonnet. There is only one person in my life that I can look at and it seems as if all of my problems seem silly in comparison, that's my daughter. I can feel sorry for myself for a week straight then when I see her I know that she is the most beautiful thing I'll create. If I never put pen to paper again, or brush to canvas, I've already created a masterpiece in her. She is beautiful and she is the only thing that keeps me grounded.
At any rate, it's a lovely poem. Of course it's a lovely poem, it's Shakespeare. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

I cannot believe it!! I cannot put into words my complete and utter iratedness (yes, I know that's not a word). I'm driving along today...hmmhmmhmmm...minding my own business when out of nowhere my driver's side window shattered. Glass all over me, all over the car, and I have no idea as to why this happened. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. When it rains, it pours I guess. I suppose I should get on the phone and start calling salvage yards to see if anyone has a window. Not what I needed today...not at all.

Let's see, what to say? I suppose I should go over how I've been feeling the past few days. I don't particularly want to and I feel nervous at the thought of sharing (odd!), but that's the whole point of this blog...to get things out and not keep them bottled in like I am so good at. Anyway, I've been feeling rather depressed the past three days. The depression comes and goes with me. I've been diagnosed as clinically depressed, along with the social anxiety disorder and a dash of obsessive/compulsive disorder thrown in to keep things interesting, and I was on medication for it. Was you say? Yes, was. I gave up the meds when I started feeling, well, pretty much nothing. I'd rather have the crazy mood swings than not care about anything. So, I've been able to keep it in check the past few years and it has not been as hard as I thought it would be, but I'm starting to feel like I'm spiraling down again. Everything seems pretty much hopeless at this point in time. I hate feeling like that, I hate knowing that I can't seem to get myself out of these mental oddities and that I let outside influences have entirely too much power over me. I am, by nature, a strong, independent, hard-headed, stubborn sort of woman. I'm not some damsel in distress waiting for someone to come save the day. I'm more apt to slay the dragon myself and then boast that I didn't need anyone to do it for me. My independence and self-reliance are an imperative part of my characteristic makeup, and that makes situations like these that much harder for me to deal with because I can't make myself see reason. It also doesn't take a lot to set me off. I try very hard to remind myself that things could be worse, and they really could, but it never seems to stop me from feeling this way. What set me off this time? It's been building for awhile, but it's mostly been my family. It seems that no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I'm not good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I like to think that I do the best I can, Lord knows I try to, but everything I do, every decision I make is picked apart and it's never right...even if it is a decision that they wanted me to make. At the moment, my grandmother is winning the race of making me feel like the most incredible imbecile that ever had the misfortune to stand up on two legs. It really bothers me that I can't please her, because she means so much to me. My grandmother raised me for the most part and I would love to be everything she wants me to be, but what she wants me to be is not who I am. She has this idea in her head that I should be some kind of Susie Homemaker/Supermom type woman, and that's just not me. I'm not sure that there is anything about me that she likes. There are many things about me that she doesn't agree with, but the main one right now is my daughter. Every move I make with Hailey is wrong, and that kills me because I love my daughter more than anything. I try to make the right decisions when it comes to her and I don't think I've done a terrible job at raising her, but my grandmother seems to think so. Hailey has been having some problems this year and I've been told in not so many words that it's all my fault. Maybe it is, but I really don't think so. I don't want to get into what problems she has been having because if I start off on that tangent, we'll be here for days. Just suffice it to say that I've been doing everything in my power to remedy these problems and it's never right or enough. Whenever anything comes up concerning Hailey I always get the disapproving face and stony silence from my grandma. I honestly don't know what she wants me to do. I could be oh so much worse. I could be out running the bars, partying, doing drugs, etc, but I'm not. I rarely go out or go anywhere for that matter, I don't do drugs, I very rarely drink and I'm home...every single night. I spend quality time with my daughter, I don't beat her, I take good care of her, so I don't understand what it is I'm doing that is so terribly wrong. I suppose I shouldn't let it bother me. It's always been this way, for as long as I can remember. I've never been what others would consider normal, a bit of a square peg trying to fit in a circular hole. They tried their hardest to mold me into what they thought I should be, but I've never fit into their ideals. I'm 30 years old, I think that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and choices without someone harping in my ear constantly, but that's just the way it is I suppose. I don't much care what other people think of me, I never really have, but I love my family and it's a hard thing to be a disappointment to the people you love the most. So, I'll probably continue to put up with it until I either learn to deal with it or lose my mind completely.

Another issue I'm having at the moment is my job. Oh goodness. The economy is in the proverbial shitter at the moment and it's effected my job along with millions of others. I'm pleased that I still have a job...of course, that could change without any notice at any given point in time. We're down to four days a week and they moved most of us to first shift, which I hate. It's not like my job was anything to crow about before, now it's just insanity. I've been living in a low state of panic or desperation since December, when they started the lay-offs. I try not to worry about it so much, because what can you do? It's very scary at the moment though.

Alright, enough of that. On to happier things before I go and find the rat poison. A few weekends ago, I drove over to Indiana to visit my friend Jennifer. She's a lovely girl. We spent most of the weekend watching the BBC's Robin Hood and Spooks. We watched these mostly because they have our favorite man, Mr. Armitage, in them. We swooned a lot that weekend. Of course, we didn't spend our entire time oogling him. Saturday we drove to Bloomington to visit a bookstore and eat supper. It was a lot of fun. Bloomington is an arty sort of college town. Lots of people wandering around, lots of interesting shops. I can't remember the name of the bookstore we went to (it was Latin...Caveat somethingorother), but I was in heaven. Jen's husband, Travis, says the place smells like old balls. Not being a connoisseur of old balls, the smell didn't deter me. They had so many rare and interesting books. It really put any of the bookstores around here to shame. They had a wonderful selection of Charles Dickens books, which made my day. I ended up snagging Little Dorrit and Martin Chuzzlewit for the low, low price of $15.37. Jen bought Bleak House on my recommendation, and I sincerely hope she likes it because it's my favorite book of all time. Anyway, we left there and ate at a somewhat authentic Irish pub. It was really great. I tried mead and mutton for the first time and both were surprisingly good. I especially liked the mead. Doesn't taste like it's going to be anything spectacular until it hits the back of your throat. If you get the chance, try it. We abused our waiter something fierce. I couldn't decide if he liked us or wanted to throw us out, but he was a good sport. After that, we drove back to her house and continued our swooning and oogling. It was, indeed, an epic girly weekend and I was in need of one. No one, save Jen, understands my fascination (crush or stalkerish tendencies has such an ugly sound) with Mr. Armitage. No one else I know thinks he's anything spectacular but they are so wrong it's pitiable. How can anyone think less of a man that looks like this...

I don't understand. He is fabulous. Jen and I spend a lot of time discussing him and what we would actually do if we ever got the chance to meet him. I've decided if that wondrous event ever came about I would probably be lying in a dead faint at his feet. It's very odd to me that I've spent my entire life never having a crush on a celebrity and never understanding people who have, and now I find myself an adult, 30 for heaven sake, with the most insane, asinine crush on a man I'll never meet. He just seems all around great. He's undoubtedly handsome, he's funny, he seems nice, does a lot of charity work, did I mention handsome? It's utterly stupid, but I think he's become my ideal man. Jen and I have a lot of interesting conversations about him. Like last night for instance, she sent me a picture of this girl that got to meet Mr. Armitage...

...and this photo sparked a lot of different conversations with us (after I had gotten over my momentary jealousy). For instance, either this woman is incredibly small or he is incredibly huge. I'm voting for the latter. Also, the woman featured above made the mistake of saying that Mr. Armitage smells good, which had Jen and I wondering what exactly he smells like. I said he probably smells like angels, Jen went for hope. I know we're silly, but he is wonderful and a girl has to have a hobby.

I probably shouldn't post a Mr. Armitage picture of the day with all of the eye candy above, but I have to. He is an integral part of this blog, so he must get his dues. Here you go...

Ohhh...Sir Guy of Gisborne! Where have you been all of my life?! Though those aren't the pants the character normally wears, I really like them....very much.

I decided to start this blog on advice from a good friend. I need an outlet where I can bitch unabashedly and not be ashamed for it, and I've heard that blogging can be cathartic, so why not? I can't imagine that I'll have anything to say that will mean anything to anyone, but it will be a chance for me to get things off of my chest without exploding (which is all too possible with me). I think I'll mostly be complaining about my family and my job, discussing books, holding forth on the virtues of Richard Armitage (a lot), talking about my friend Jen (who also loves Mr. Armitage) and a bit of other nonsense. Being the selfish person that I am, this blog has no other function than for me to vent. I can't imagine that it will be interesting in any way, so that is your official warning.

This is, perhaps, my favorite picture of Mr Armitage (here as John Thorton in North & South). I swear to the good Lord in heaven if this man looked at me in this manner my clothes would fall off of their own accord. He is gorgeous....indeed.